May 14, 2008

This 1950s Ad Wisely Advocates Heavily Medicating Old Men Who Brandish Their Canes As Weapons Against "Young Whippersnappers"

Meet Old Grampy Jed. He's at the age where just about nobody wants to be around him. Not only does he have a propensity to go on and on about "the good old days" and refuses to trim the hair in his ears, he suffers from Geriatric Profanity Disorder, or GPD.

The odd thing, though, is that his GPD only strikes at inopportune times, like when the family takes him to Sunday Mass. Father O'Malley doesn't like his homilies punctuated with Jed dropping the F-bomb for emphasis. It's not, well, Jesus-y. Especially when Grampy opined on the top of his lungs that "Jesus and those apostles were nothing but a bunch of fucking long-haired nogoodniks who voted for that beatnik Truman." That just didn't go over very well with the congregation.

Grampy claimed that he needed his cane to help him walk, but damned if he has ever used it as anything but a weapon to teach "young folks" a thing or two about life. Unfortunately for the general public, in Grampy's world, "young folks" means "anyone under the age of 80."

Anything can set Grampy Jed off. He especially gets upset when you take him to the MCL and they don't have some of that green Jell-O salad with the mayonnaise that he likes. In fact, it was during one of these "Jell-O episodes" that the above photograph was snapped. Grampy Jed was waving his cane to and fro, hollering about how Johnny Reb took his green Jell-O.

The manager tried to calm Grampy Jed, and offered him some orange Jell-O with mandarin slices in it, but no dice.

"The doctor said I couldn't have citrus, sonny-boy! What are you trying to do, kill me? I'll teach you a thing or two about running a restaurant!"

That poor manager has hearing problems in his left ear to this day, thanks to Grampy's cane.

Thank goodness for pharmaceuticals. Through the wonders of mind-shattering antipsychotics, Grampy Jed can become a valuable member of society again. At the very least, he won't go ballistic when his family decides to dump him in a home to live his so-called "golden years." He'll be calm, tranquil, and completely unaware that his family never comes to visit him.

Hooray for Smith, Kline and French!

Hooray for modern medicine!

Hooray for advertising and American disrespect for the elderly!

Hooray for Thorazine!

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