From 1967: The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous (And The Commercial That Made My Heart Go A-Flutter)

Somebody get me that time machine, because this is the version of adulthood in which I want to live.

Just two career gals...Sally and Janet, we'll call them...two bachelor gals living together in their own fifth-floor walk-up apartment, in The Big City, and all that that implies.  

They don't plan on being in the secretarial pool at Dewey, Cheatem, and Thensome forever, of course.  In fact, they both have great hopes for the two young go-getters from the accounting department at the office...Stan and Hal, we'll call them...who are coming around for chips and dip and maybe a lively game of Scrabble, perhaps a bit of dancing to the records Sally and Janet so carefully set out on the Hi-Fi.  Everyone likes Stan Getz, right?  Sure they do.  And that "Corcovado" song is just right for slow dancing, should things go well.

Carefully coiffed, nine thousand gallons of hairspray used between the two of them to lacquer their looks into place, Sally and Janet are no floozies.  Sure, they're modern girls, and both like a good time.  They'll invite a suitor or two into their apartment for some laughs.  But try some Funny Business, and you'll be shown the door.  A girl has to have morals, after all, even if it is the Space Age.  Men don't buy the cow when they can drink the milk for free!

Or, apparently, drink mind-boggling amounts of Schlitz.  I don't think neither Stan nor Hal are very marriage-minded at all, bringing that much beer to the party like Sally and Janet are a couple of good-time floozies!  A girl always prefers pretty flowers to a couple of six-packs, fellas!

"Can you believe that Stan?  He tried to cop a feel while we were dancing!"  Sally huffed, as she took off her pearls.

"And he seemed like such a doll at the Christmas party," said Janet.  Then she sighed, unhooked her left stocking, and daintily yanked it from her leg.

From 1979: I'll Bet You Can Sing This Jingle

Today's commercials are just noise.  Give me a good jingle anytime and I will sing it; around the house, as I bathe, as I drive, and most definitely while I cook.

There is also not a more effective gum on the market to, ahem, "prove to your parents" that you haven't been drinking alcohol.  Trust me.

Give your breath long-lasting freshness with Big Red!

From 1977: Weekends Were Made For Cheryl Ladd

My beauty idol, that is.  And my favorite Angel.  And the star of that really great TV movie where Cheryl gets busted for drugs with her boyfriend, is put in prison, and becomes besties with a young Angela Bassett.

I can't approve of lovely Cheryl being subjected to the terror of a hideous clown to sell beer.  Memo to the 1977 Powers That Be At Michelob: Clowns are never a good idea, especially when you have a beauty like Cheryl Ladd in your commercial.

From 1952: Palmolive Soap

Thank heavens there was a girlfriend to help our singing star find the path to a lovelier complexion...with Palmolive!

"Look here, Marge...here's the score.  Us girls down at Monsieur Henri's House Of French Coiffures have been cleansing our skin the Palmolive way...and you should, too!"

Personally, I'm a big believer in doing beauty the old-fashioned way (or what we would consider "old fashioned" today).  I switched recently from fancy-schmancy facial wash to plain old Dr. Bronner's rose bar soap for facial scrubbery.  My skin has never been cleaner nor clearer.  And it's cheaper and organic!

From 1967: Quick-Cooked In Dragon Fire!

That's Jim Henson's voice and dragon Muppet.

From 1949: With Just One Rinse

'Round the Linger homestead, 
Sunday Night tends to be Laundry Night.

Ken dreads it, because invariably I get to pining for Laundry Detergents Gone, But Not Forgotten.  Like Duz.  Or Salvo.  Or even Solo, which was actually a fabric softener.

1950

 1965

date unknown

Some of the classic old brands are still around, but damn, you have to work triple-time to find them.  I have the most luck at Big Lots, should I want to take a walk down Rare Laundry Detergents Lane (and, of course, I always do).

The laundry detergent I love to remember the most is Oxydol.  Not only do I remember my own Mom using it when we were kids, it is prominently featured in the 1981 John Waters' classic Polyester.  Remember when Dexter is looking for a foot to stomp in the grocery store?  Look in the background at the brands.  There it is, in all its green-boxed, early eighties' glory: Oxydol.

I scored a big bottle of the stuff at Big Lots last spring, and it was wonderful...but I haven't seen it on the shelves since. 

 Obviously some of the women from Jonestown were recruited for Oxydol print ads.

In this ad, more psychotic housewives, possibly while overdosing on Miltown, enjoy the whiter whites their Oxydol detergent delivered.

This ad for Oxydol was obviously someone's graduate thesis.  Well, laundry is a science, after all.  The Monkees and Julie Newmar taught us that.

From 1949, the earliest days of television.
I think this model of washing machine actually was called 
"The Mangler."

Game Change: Ball Buster

I don't know about you guys, but in MY house growing up, this game would have put someone's eye out.

From 1971: When American Housewives Are Tormented By The Exotic Birds In Their Lives Because Of Common Laundry Problems

And who is this actress? She looks so very familiar to me.



And a question: who taught the parrot to say "ring around the collar" as a taunt to this beleaguered housewife? I suspect the 1971 Husband here in this clip. He looks like the type to badger his wife about those pesky stains and complain about her lousy cooking. Or perhaps the bird was a fan of soap operas, and learned the statement from other Wisk commercials.

When Sadie, Katie, and Lulu did a Prell commercial...

I'll never say never to always.

Hope You Had A Cool Yule

Me, I'm plum tuckered out from making the Yuletide gay!

We had a really splendid holiday, lots of lovely presents (I got a Kitchen Aid stand mixer!  A cashmere pashmina!  A bottle of Samsara perfume!), gallons of libations, and a Christmas dinner of all-you-can-eat crab legs at our favorite local Chinese buffet.

I hope you all had a beautiful Christmas, if that's what you celebrate.  May it have been as much fun as this:

1977

I love this picture.  It's from this blog, and I find it so wonderful.

Wait a second...Santa Claus, NO!

From 1982: What Might Be The Greatest Single Of The Eighties

This clip is mislabeled as being from 1983; that's not possible, as Fridays stopped airing on October 22, 1982.

Still, it's a magnificent capture of a great live version of this song. Here's Tommy Tutone, with "867-5309 (Jenny)."



I owned this on a vinyl 45; I bought it with some of my babysitting earnings at the Zayre right by my church in the summer of 1982. If I remember correctly, I also bought some Faberge Organics shampoo on that shopping trip, too.

It did not make me look anything like Heather Locklear.

Oh, and my Dad banned Jenny and her phone number after I played the record 12 times in a row. "I don't want to hear those numbers in this house again, Laura Beth," he said. "At least not in that sequence."

What This (And Every) Blog Needs: More Campbell's Soup

1959

If there's anything I like more than morbidly obese animated children extolling the virtues of My Canned Childhood (we ate a lot of Campbell's in my house growing up), it's using wink-wink nudge-nudge stereotypes about Scottish people to sell soup. "It's thrifty, too...aye, you can add seven or eight cans of water to that soup to make it stretch farther!"

Have you had your soup today?

The Vintage Hungries: The Immortal Deliciousness Of Taco Bell

1979

The 1975 Spectacular Continues: Hail, Poetry! Divine Emollient!

That is, if that emollient is globs of delicious special sauce.

From 1965: What In The Holy Hell?

I'm en route to getting ready for Date Night, but I was so appalled by this clip, I had an urge to blog about it immediately!

Karen J., you evil and tortuous soul, how can you claim to be "one of my biggest fans" and then release this piece of fresh Hades upon me, knowing full well that I would have to do a post about it here? Devil woman, you!

Words...fail me. I didn't think even The Sixties were capable of children's toys that could only be played successfully by feigning an epileptic fit. But here it is: Swing Wing.



(Thank you, Karen. XOXOXOXO)

From 1975: Ewwwwwwwww.

I just don't know what to say about this spot.



I will say that I wore Love's Baby Soft and Love's Fresh Lemon for years.

From 1978: If It's Monday, It Must Be Massengill

I also like to call this post "Girl, Your Twat So Stanky!"

The one woman must have spent too much time feathering her hair and getting her Annie Hall outfit just right to bother with unleashing her inner June Cleaver and giving The Beaver a good going over with the soap.

The other woman just so happened to have a Massengill Vinegar and Water douche right there, at the ready. Maybe she was going to use some of it on her salad for lunch, and then whip up a Cunt Vinaigrette for later.

From 1970: What An Angel

I really miss Max Factor cosmetics, which have been discontinued in the United States.

I especially miss MF's X-Rated lip gloss. It was created by Max himself for Jean Harlow.

Because It's Never Too Soon To Plan For My 41st

From 1979.

McDonalds birthday parties were the funnest birthday parties ever.

From 1970: Louise Lasser and Nyquil